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Tuesday 29 September 2015
Nawaz Shareef to visit ISIS territories to counter Modi’s Silicon Valley tour
Islamabad. While Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi is enjoying a rock star like treatment and adulation in Silicon Valley, Pakistan has yet again planned a smart move to show India its place like all previous wars between the two sides.
Soon after returning from US, Pakistani PM Mr. Nawaz Shareef will be travelling to ISIS Territories in Syria connecting with Pakistan Diaspora in those parts. Speaking exclusively to Faking News, the Pakistani National Security Adviser Mr. Sartar Aziz has confirmed the plans.
“Kaise ho mere Jihadi mitron?”
Mr. Aziz also added that this is a wonderful opportunity for the Pakistani PM to connect with most famous exports from Pakistan – Jihadis. Pakistan is really proud that their homegrown industry which started as captive unit to support war Against India has really come on its own has taken over the world. Most of the top terrorists across the globe are Pakistanis and so many terrorist organizations now have a Pakistani origin.
However sources close to Mr. Shareef accept that he is really worried about falling quality of Jihadi’s especially the ones looking for onsite opportunities in India. While India talks about Brain Drain which PM Modi says is Brain Deposit, Mr. Shareef wants to ensure Blood Drain and has thus called on the Jihadi Diaspora for Blood Deposit.
To improve this situation, Mr. Shareef has also launched a Jihad Pakistan and Blast Pakistan campaign to counter Skill India & Digital India. He has also launched Blast in Pakistan campaign to encourage the Jihadi Diaspora and for skill development of upcoming Jihadis. He has also promised safe havens by citing example of Dawood Ibrahim who has never been in Pakistan. They can always argue that killing of Osama is off course US conspiracy of planting his body in Pakistan after killing him.
Sources say that on auspicious occasion of Mr. Shareef’s visits, ISIS has announced beheading of 1000 captured male slaves and 500 female slaves to honor visiting delegation.
Arvind Kejriwal to visit America to help Donald Trump win the presidential elections
New Delhi: In a press conference held by the Aam Aadmi Party, their spokesperson Raghav Chadha announced that in the coming week Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal will be visiting America to campaign for the billionaire candidate Donald Trump.
Donald Trump mocking skeptics after Kejriwal lends support
Apparently, Donald Trump is very much inspired by Kejriwal’s story. According to reliable sources, he is still running for the President just because he thinks that if Arvind Kejriwal can pull off a massive victory in Delhi then anyone can do anything.
According to Raghav, Donald Trump is dying to meet the most honest person ever born in the history of mankind and wants Kejriwal to help him win the presidential elections.
“Donald wants to use Arvind Kejriwal’s cleaner than a whistle image so that he could first prove to the US citizens that he is serious about this President thingy. Donald Trump is surely not having a good time right now after the public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities. But, we are pretty sure that the US public will start loving him as soon as Kejriwal starts campaigning for him,” Raghav said.
When asked why Donald Trump, Raghav said, “Well, he is handsome, hair well-combed all the time, and has a lot of money. That’s inspiring enough for us to go help the poor guy win the elections.”
“Look, he is already creating jobs in the US by paying youth to cheer for him in his rallies. Also, we have managed to fulfil almost everything except what we were supposed to or what we promised before elections in Delhi. This is also a part of the chain of such events,” Raghav concluded.
Meanwhile, Arvind Kejriwal refused to comment on this but he did managed to say, “Watched Piku, must watch, and I am pretty sure that the Government is the reason behind Amitabh Bachchan’s constipation.”
Engineering student goes into depression after failing to update his status on getting placed
In a bizarre turn of events, an engineer was found suffering from depression after he failed to update his Facebook status on landing a job. Mr Tundey Lal, a fourth year student at the ‘Local Institute of Technology’ got placed in a major Indian IT company. On receiving the news of his placement, Tundey was supposed to follow both those rituals that every engineering student, who gets placed, has to follow:
1. Give party to all his friends in the College Canteen (who keep shouting “Party”).
2. Update his FB and Whatsapp status with the news of his placement.
2. Update his FB and Whatsapp status with the news of his placement.
Tundey’s ‘Getting Placed’ selfie
It was during the step 2 of the ritual that the problem arose. Due to some reason FB had blocked Tunday’s id and he was denied access for the next 24 hours. This came as a shock to Tundey and he fainted. In fact, had it not been for one of his friends, who sacrificed one of his ‘samosas’ in the process of saving Tundey, Tundey would have fallen flat on the floor.
His friends told us that Tundey was very excited initially. In fact he was scrolling through different status ideas for putting his FB status and had ultimately decided to go with a selfie along with a caption: Hell Yeah, my ‘Getting Placed’ selfie
But all his dreams of seeing 100’s of likes and comments for the first time on any of his posts fell apart as soon as he tried logging into his FB account. His friends tried to console him saying that he could still put a status on his WhatsApp account and everybody would know. But Tundey was inconsolable as he shouted about how he wanted to show off his status to his neighbour Mr Sharma’s son (FB only friend), with whom he was often compared to since he was in kindergarten.
By the time of writing this report, Tundey’s condition had gotten so bad that even the news of Mass Bunk in the college failed to bring a smile on his face. The only hope now he has is to keep counting the minutes until 24 hours pass and he gets the access back to his FB id.
Disclaimer: This article has NOT been edited or written by the Faking News editorial team for publication as a mainstream article. This is a user generated content, and could be unusually better or worse in quality than an article published on the mainstream Faking News website. You too can write your own news report on My Faking News
Kejriwal declares Calendar Girls tax-free after reviewing it, says no entertainment in the movie so no entertainment tax
Jantar Mantar, Delhi. After a series of positive and encouraging reviews of various Bollywood Movies, this time Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal has come hard on Calendar Girls (request readers not assume any double meanings here). While Mr Kejriwal typically watches a film four times (all 4 shows for a comprehensive view) before presenting his views, a couple of trivial issues like Dengue, Crime, Inflation etc have kept him slightly busy and he could watch Calendar Girls only twice. Surprisingly he asked for private screening in his office cabin with both views coming back to back between 10 pm to 3 am in the night.
When contacted for his comments on the movie, Mr. Kejriwal, in a rather harsh tone said, “Now what kind of a movie Calendar Girls? I think Madhur Bhandarkar ji has added to the misery of the such girls by casting them in a movie like this!” When asked about how many stars he would give to the movie Mr Kejriwal said, “I am so crossed with the film that forget any star rating I’ll give it three crosses, ie: XXX rating.”
Kejriwal was in good mood before movie began
Giving the issue a political angle, the Delhi CM said, “Sab BJP ki chaal hai ji, desh ke yuva aur straight ladkon ko gumrah karne ki. Delhi University ke ladke raat bhar Calendar Girls dekhte rahe aur wahan DU elections main vote karne gayi sirf ladkiyan.” He further added, “Don’t forget we have Somnath in our camp, therefore our chances of getting girls’ votes were as good as Ashutosh, I mean Zero.”
When confronted that Calendar Girls got released many days after the Delhi University elections, Mr Kejriwal promptly said, “But anticipation always exists jii. In my experience, once you search the words ‘Calendar Girls’ on Google at night, you’ll end up sleeping only in the morning only.”
To validate Mr Kejriwal’s claims, our correspondent went to the Delhi University and spoke to a group of students who admitted that they were not able to wake up in the morning to vote and when asked why did they behave so irresponsibly they replied, “Woh Calendar Girls dikhaate rahe, hum apna kaam karte rahe…”
When probed about how does the Delhi Government plan to curb such Bollywood blunders in the future, Mr Kejriwal said, “Dekhiye humari sarkar ne kaafi research kari hai aur is film ko bareeki se samajhne ke liye Kumar Vishwas ji ne khud Calendar Girl ka jeevan bitaya hai ek hafte ke liye. Party ki core committee ka faisla yeh hai ke Calendar Girls ko tax free banaya jaaye.”
On being questioned on this rather contradictory statement since usually the movies which are of national interest are made tax free so that more and more people can afford to watch them, Mr Kejriwal said, “Entertainment Tax to hatana hi padega ji, Jab Entertainment hi nahin hai film main to entertainment tax kaisa ?” Adding further to this, he said, “Does the government impose Income Tax on people who do not have any income?” Also explaining how AAP has always gone out of the way to help the public, Kejriwal remarked, “Our leaders Ashutosh, Kumar Vishwas etc etc are providing whole-hearted entertainment on social media, but do we levy any taxes?. NO!”
Meanwhile according to internal sources, AAP has also started its own production house with its first release set to hit the theaters soon. There are several rumors around the movie’s name but our most trusted sources have confirmed it to be “Bhaag Somnath Bhaag“. In Somnath Bharti’s absence, Kejriwal may leverage his prior experience in running away from Delhi to complete the movie.
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